“Well, that was awkward. You know, when you walked me home and right in front of my doorman building you went in for a smooch and I, well I turned my head. And so, the edges of your guacamole stained chapped lips suction cupped my ears. Yes, I did feel your moist tongue swipe my cochlea and because of that, I may never hear the
same…” – 8 Things I Wish I Had Told You On Our Date via All My Friends Are Engaged
Honesty. It’s elusive these days, with everyone from sweaty weasel-faced politicians to glamorous London bloggers spinning lies to achieve some sort of unattainable ideal that never existed. Tragically, it appears that more people than ever are adopting into the posturing mentality to create a façade that makes it seem as if they have it all figured out.
Enter Jen Glantz. She’s the kind of girl you glance at in J Crew and your hand automatically goes to your hair to make sure it looks as good as hers. But when you read her hilarious, relatable new e-Book All My Friends Are Engaged you realize that she’s just like one of us. As a writer living in New York City, Jen (bravely) puts herself out there into the sticky spider’s web of dating, where she has unknowingly entangled herself in throes of chaos that couldn’t have been scripted by The Bachelor. Oh wait, she auditioned for that show. And managed to not-so-charmingly commit the ultimate reality show felony – thou shalt not speak the truth in any capacity despite the blinding obviousness of fact. Nor shalt thou get lipstick on their teeth. She broke that rule too.
As if an endearing chapter about a realistic attempt at TV dating wasn’t enough to trigger our empathetic senses, Jen reverts our gazes to the shaky world of (shudder) online dating. I, your darling reviewer, cannot be the only one terrified of daintily building a little profile on OkCupid and of course being the person to go out with HotGuy92 only to get felt up under the table at the Cheesecake Factory by a sweaty guy wearing a short-sleeve checkered button up with a paisley tie. This recurring nightmare too haunts our girl Jen, as she reluctantly signs up at the affable Jewish dating site JDate and proceeds to be bombarded with sleazy messages appropriate for those certain chat rooms you only find in the grimiest corners of the Internet.
This sounds like an advertisement for online dating, right? It’s not. But guys, seriously. Read Jen’s tips on what NOT to say, such as remembering to change the name in the flirty message you send, because really. And um, don’t talk about how your overbearing mother made you sign up for this, because it makes you sound like a little boy who can barely button the snaps on his grape-juice stained OshKoshs. We ladies like to know that you are a man who is capable and confident in his decisions, even if you consider yourself exceedingly awkward. At least have the mandatory self-deprecation thing down so you can properly make fun of yourself along with us, gentlemen. Also, try not to use dirty contrived pick-up lines, they look worse on the computer screen than they sound (mostly because we would walk away laughing if you said such things).
If these forays into dating haven’t made you consider a personal army of cats yet, wait until all your friends (real-life and Facebook) start essentially throwing up diamonds out of nowhere. One particularly gruesome morning you might wake up to a text from Work Buddy, who has sent you one sentence riddled with many exclamation points, “OMG I’M ENGAGED!!!!!” and an accompanying photo of the ring smashed onto her delicate little finger. Obviously as your friend, I’m clearly radiating happiness for you. But as Jen kindly states in All My Friends Are Engaged, refrain from bursting your own excitement bubble by trying to offer morsels of Mike’s friend’s cousin who works at Bass Pro Shop because no. And don’t treat single friends like hurricane victims in need of comfort; there are real hurricane victims. They can be helped here. (Sorry for going off-topic, but just in case anyone hasn’t donated yet and wants to).
Overnight, That Girl who sat in the back row of your 11th grade biology class will have a sparkling colorless 2-carat princess cut golden halo blinging out on her finger, and that’s great for her. You even enjoy a little moment as you aimlessly click through her Facebook slideshow of the ring from 86 different angles, because why not, you still have some popcorn scattered at the bottom of the bag you’ve been munching on for the last half hour.
And as our generation turns their heads down and focuses on blabbering to each other through text messages or Twitter or on the anonymous comments section of websites, while sitting in the confines of their own apartments, binging on Netflix and ordering in take-out so they don’t have to put on pants, the prospect of meeting someone offline, has become, perhaps, extinct. – Mr. Wrong via All My Friends Are Engaged
You still believe you’ll meet your man at a bookstore anyway, one day. Hopefully he’s not looking at Tucker Max books. But all engaged/married women out there, remember how it felt to be us. We are not sad hapless little girls in need of a prince to rescue us from our tower of singledom, but we do happen to be confident women who know we mustn’t settle for Guy Who Keeps You a Secret or ManBoy Who Steals From Grandma. We need you to quash your well-intentioned desires to set us up with Billy Bob and Joe or that guy you left hanging on Match two years ago, because we don’t want him. We know what we want, that feeling we long for, and we’re willing to wait for it.
There are so many more stories in All My Friends Are Engaged than I could possibly retell here, but I suggest you buy your own e-copy for $3.99 if you like laughing and good health and not having high blood pressure and all that. This isn’t your average book about dating, because like you, I hate reading dating tips pulled from the overly perfumed backpages of Cosmo. All My Friends Are Engaged is simply hilarious, and you will see a lot of yourself in Jen as she navigates the waters of dating. It turns out that fishing for a good catch is less about your skill as a fisherwoman than it is about waiting for the right fish. This little e-Book is relatable in every category, and so cleverly written that you will enjoy every bit of it. I promise.
“…if you find a person who makes your heart beat like an Avicii song and who can whisk you away like the Chicago winds, I’m happy for you, I really am, from the bottom of my triathlon-running heart. I just hope, I really do, that all of you will remember me, and hopefully will still be physically able to do the Electric Slide with me, at my wedding, someday.” – All My Friends Are Engaged
If you haven’t already clicked on one of the links in the article, just click on through to Amazon and read a chapter. Then buy it. Because we all need to laugh our asses off at something. There, you did it! Good girl. Or guy. Hopefully guy, then humanity will be a little bit better off, mainly because we won’t have to seriously injure most of you for texting at a fancy restaurant.
Disclaimer: I was contacted by the author to see if I would read her e-Book. I would never post something I didn’t fully enjoy and want to share. This e-Book is one of those gems that needed to be shared. If you are a writer with an e-Book, send me a link and I’ll happily read and perhaps review it.